Belated Happy Easter

[phetish]

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter holiday.
I accepted that festivities are a part of childhood, and thus a part of parenthood. I am trying to be more festive.
But I’m not very good at being festive…

My celebrations bear the marks of humor and whimsy. Inflatable sheep, giant cock Twinkies with glazed balls, a literal army of lawn ornaments…well, you get the idea.

This Easter, I tried to be normal. I went to the store and purchased rainbow Easter baskets and a small array of candy for a few of my friends. They’re all dieting, as per usual…but…well…it’s Easter.

I could have made them Atkins-friendly Easter eggs, but after the Rainbow Shits and Giggles Cake…well, people are still talking about rainbow excrement that lasts for days.

So, standard Easter candy it is. Can’t go wrong with that. Nothing exciting about that.

After preparing the baskets, I read on Facebook that my friends were enjoying Passover.

…They’re Jewish.
… … ….
Okay, back to old faithful – a big box of dick. It’s non-denominational and you can’t go wrong with sex toys. Everybody needs them, and nobody buys them, because people are ashamed.

But I didn’t have any time to order them online, and there wasn’t a local store for miles.

Okay. I’ll just give them candy and many-flavored lube selections. And condoms. And whatever else I can find in the Slut department of my local supermarket.
Three stores and NOTHING. The “family planning” section (read: “YOU FUCKING WHORES!”) was filled with winged clampillows.

At the fourth store, I finally tracked down a manager and asked, gently, so as not to kill someone’s grandfather with shock, why they were nowhere to be found. Santa told me they were behind the customer service desk.

“Why?” I asked. I mean, is lube so scandalous? Need I point out to management that their grocery aisles are overflowing with pleasure tools masquerading as food and home products?

I was told that we are in the midst of an epidemic, where bad people take the products from the shelves, dash to the public restroom, and use the products – all without paying.

…ew.
A) It’s a supermarket restroom. Even the employees screw in the stock area.
B) LUBE! You’re all slimy and sticky! Who wants Heated Strawberry Sparkle trickling down their leg?

We live in a strange world, but at least their unhygienic vandalism is holiday-appropriate.
Unlike me.
This festive crap is going to take some practice.

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

Comments

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

As a Jew, I'd totally be happy with a gift of Easter candy. I bet your friends would've liked it. :)

[magentametrix.livejournal.com]

My kids enjoy pointing out that we're really bad about holidays.
Daughter puts up the tree when she comes home from school on Dec 23, and we took it down last weekened. Candy holidays mean two rounds of candy, one when it first arrives at the store and is fresh, and then again right after the holiday, when it's on sale. I've never been able to lie about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, so I didn't even try. Birthdays get a nod.

But graduations? BIG DEAL. We have two this year (one HS and one College) and I want to go all out, but after years of not doing celebrations, I'm not sure what to do.
Ideas?