How To Annoy Your Cats

[phetish]

Anthony's cat, Xerxes, is a Bengal.
I love all cats. All cats except this cat.
Bengals will make you believe they were engineered solely for the purpose of eradicating crazy cat ladies from the face of the earth.
They are a plague upon the human experience.

I hate this cat.
I don't want to hate this cat, but he chain-misbehaves every second that he is awake.
I should have known.
As we signed the contract with the breeder, one of her own cats jumped up on the stove and pissed what appeared to be a gallon of cat urine onto the burners.
But I'd driven to fucking Canada for Anthony's Christmas present, and I'd be damned if I was going home empty-handed.
"Mittens" was the little shit's name.

I should turn him into mittens.

Unless you own a Bengal, you can't comprehend what they are.
I know this because I had no idea, and no one warned me, because Bengal owners are a secret society of sadomasochistic fuckheads who won't tell you the truth until you're trapped in the house with a meowing chimpanzee too.
They really are like rabid flying howler monkeys on cocaine.

This cat wakes up, yowls like his ass is on fire, strolls across the room, punches the other cat in the face, jumps into the garbage can, launches himself onto the spice rack, and then hangs on the curtains. When I chase him down, he runs into the bathroom and rips down the shower lining, yanks the toilet paper off the roll, shreds what he can and throws the remaining wad into the toilet, then tears ass through the house, steals my glasses off my desk, and hides them in a basket of laundry...into which he urinates.
All this in ten minutes.

I've never hated a cat in my life, mine or anyone else's. I hate this cat.
I think the only being who hates this cat more than I do is my Turkish Angora, Christabella.
As I write this, he is watching her sleep and poking her in the head.

Every so often, I search YouTube for Bengal cat videos, because you have to see it to believe it.
I think Sparta, the MeanKitty, is at least mostly Bengal.

Most of the videos are painful cute, like this one:
Mean Kitty vs. Domo-Kun

Some of the videos are near and dear to my heart, like this one:
Kitties Hate Mermaids

Some of the videos are really interesting, like this one:
How To Annoy Your Mean Kitty (4):

I'm amazed that the above trick actually works. They are convinced there is an invisible flying saucer floating around the house.

IT IS ZE NEW SECURITY SYSTEM, YA?

Comments

[iterum.livejournal.com]

Ex of mine had a Bengal; he liked to jump out of hidden corners and strip away my flesh. I'd just assumed his owner's crazy had rubbed off on him, but you're saying it's the breed?

[wiredwizard.livejournal.com]

Geez, sounds like the sort of behavior Whiskers (who is glaring at me through the window) displays. She's exiled to either outside or the garage (where she does fun things like putting dents in the car).

=looks at pictures of Bengals= Hmmm... she could be part Bengal (and part Gelatinous Cube).

[fluffworld.livejournal.com]

My friend has three of them (and three other cats), it seems when you put them together in a big group they lose the evil attitude and just become furry playful water-loving creatures with occasional annoyingly high-pitched yowls.

Like aquatic Bee Gees.