OhMiBod

[phetish]

Now, don’t get me wrong – I love cock just as much as the next ravenous nymphomaniac, but the above product has the potential to incite a series of hilarious flashbacks. Do you remember when we were teenagers and men had sex “theme music?”

Picture it, remember it: You’re (13-16), and your snowflake-white boyfriend plays an entire Enigma CD – including the dolphin caterwauling – while moisturizing an imaginary tramp stamp with an ever-so-erotic Lubriderm massage…on top of your perfume, body oil, and body powder.

Fifteen minutes of zipper-grinding, pelvis-crushing dry-humping later, and following a few blind jabs to the taint, you get it.

You finally get it. It’s Christmas morning and Santa’s real and there’s your big present up in your tree.

…Pumping to the rhythm of one of these top hits from the 1990′s!

- Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
- Backstreet Boys – “I Want It That Way”
- Madonna – “Vogue”
- Sir Mix-A-Lot – “Baby Got Back”
- Britney Spears – “…Baby One More Time”
- Alanis Morissette – “You Oughta Know”
- Dr. Dre (featuring Snoop Doggy Dogg) – “Nuthin’ but a “G” Thang”
- Mariah Carey – “Vision of Love”
- Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Under the Bridge”
- MC Hammer – “U Can’t Touch This”
- Destiny’s Child – “Say My Name”
- Metallica – “Enter Sandman”
- Beastie Boys – “Sabotage”
- House of Pain – “Jump Around”
- Soundgarden – “Black Hole Sun”
- Ricky Martin – “Livin’ la Vida Loca”
- Vanilla Ice – “Ice Ice Baby”
- Radiohead – “Creep”
- Oasis – “Wonderwall”
- C+C Music Factory – “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)”
- Color Me Badd – “I Wanna Sex You Up”
- Spin Doctors – “Two Princes”
- Fiona Apple – “Criminal”
- L.L. Cool J – “Mama Said Knock You Out”
- Sophie B. Hawkins – “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover”
- Digital Underground – “The Humpty Dance”
- Will Smith – “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”
- Korn – “Freak on a Leash”
- Marcy Playground – “Sex and Candy”
- Kris Kross – “Jump”
- Lenny Kravitz – “Are You Gonna Go My Way”
- Meredith Brooks – “Bitch”
- Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy”
- Cypress Hill – “Insane In The Brain”
- EMF – “Unbelievable”
- Gerardo – “Rico Suave”
- Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – “Good Vibrations”

I’m not going to tell you which of those songs plagued my youth, but 1993 was not a good year for music.

BUT IN CASE YOU FORGOT…

It’s the OhMiBod to the rescue! It’ll vibrate to anything in your iPhone or iPad. So, order one now and, this Saturday night, sit on the floor, light some candles, pop in The Crow, break open the Mountain Dew, and get ready for a wild, 3-minute ride down memory lane!

*Your experience may vary.*

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. Please leave any comments there.