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I used to get angry, when I would give someone my best work and they would come back with a laughable fail.

It’s a hard thing to accept, that sometimes, the people from whom you crave excellence can only produce mediocrity.

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

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Every time I see a silly little goth poser, I’m going to imagine they go home to this.

Thank you, Fleshlights, and Ianternet. :)

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

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I think I finally freaked out my friends.

The post was this:
“Ugh. Sick as death. Taking care of Max. So tired.
Could be worse. Could be Chase No-Face. Perspective = everything.”

With this picture:

That’s Chase No-Face, of the Chase No-Face blog. Yes, he’s alive, and leading a surprisingly fulfilling life.

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

Black Hole

Apr. 16th, 2012 10:30 pm
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God is a man.
If god were a woman, he would have made our vaginas like mouths.
We would be able to close them. They would have protective teeth.
They wouldn’t just hang open like Sarlacc pits, waiting for anything and everything to fall into them.


“Oh, sorry. I was kind of in your way. I’ll just go be creepy as fuck somewhere else.”

I need to invest in some protective rubber underwear or something.

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

Piercings

Apr. 12th, 2012 05:20 am
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Him: “Why did you take out your vaginal piercing?”
Me: “Because it sustained so much abuse that I was worried about scar tissue.”
Him: “How did it get abused?”
Me: “…”

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

Oh good.

Feb. 2nd, 2012 11:03 am
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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

‎”Then I’d have half a dead mobster AND a dead alligator that choked to death on the 380-pound wookie tit we called Fat Mike. There we were, Sabrina, Jill, and Kelly, standing over a heap of pink putrid man-jelly that smelled like pepperoni and fish.”

Oh, good. I found the autobiographical account of my amorous exploits.

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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

My best friend Spooky introduced me to Tentacle Grape (http://tentaclegrape.com/)

Some awesome little slut is going to do body shots of this off my stomach before I die.

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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

I wish to fuck I could figure out a way to do this in my living room without spilling vodka all over the goddamned floor again.

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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

After seeing Hatchet Harry in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels:

I recognized a need I’d never noticed before – I needed a big, double-sided, black plastic cock.

So I drove down to the adult store behind a nearby U-haul and picked up the Doc Johnson Black Giant Double Dildo.

I’ve been partial to Doc Johnson ever since I endorsed the Juli Ashton anal starter kit:

And while I continue to support the latter and have weaponized the former, I must say that Big Black must be wrapped in Saran Wrap at all times, because the smell is abominable. It reeks of rubber, like a freshly opened pool toy, and even with years of regular use, the smell will never fade.

While I was in the shop, I also noticed the Love Ewe.

At the time, I had a roommate named Eric. Eric was a nice guy – a little on the heavy side, but he was a great cook and a lot of fun to be around. But, since he didn’t have a girlfriend, well…there was only one thing for a good roommate to do.

At first, I thought I’d rent him an escort, but there was the simple obstacle that we lived in the same house, so when her pimp cased the joint, he’d be casing my house, too.
So, I googled alternatives, settling upon an inflatable doll. When I googled “hot inflatable dolls,” I found this hilarious review.

NinjaPirate.com is an awesome site, and his quest for sex (Example 1 and Example 2) reminded me so fondly of all the single men that I knew that I felt confident in taking his advice.

On the subject of inflatable sheep, he wrote the following:

A lot of guys pretend blow-up dolls are jokes. As if they’re ugly because nobody takes them seriously. Until it’s their bachelor party and someone gifts them a blowup doll. And then the bachelor is like, “Oh! You got me a blowup doll! That’s funny shit, Nate. Nate, you old dog you. Buying me a blowup doll. That Nate. Thanks Nate.” Then the guy goes home and fills it with water and fucks it. Of course he does.

A few years ago my friends got me a Lovin’ Lamb for my birthday party. I reacted like it was funny and I pretended to take it as a complete joke. But the whole remainder of the party, all I could think was, “I can’t wait to go home and fuck that Lovin’ Lamb.” Then I went home and filled it with water and fucked that Lovin’ Lamb.

That’s right. I went to town on that faggoty gay little lamb. And I know you’re jealous and you’re going to go out and buy one right away.

But here’s the thing. When you purchase a brand new Lovin’ Lamb or maybe Lovin’ Kangaroo if you’re Australian, it will be stiff and obnoxiously loud. Your family or whatever will hear it in the other room, they’ll think you’re making balloon animals. What you do to make it soft is exactly like a new baseball mitt. You put it in the dishwasher with a bunch of rubber bands around it and your dick stuck in it so it conforms right. After three or four loads, it’ll be pliable and soft so you can pitch it to that doll until it somehow, against physics, has an orgasm. And if you want, you can try the black sheep. The black ones are much more warm and sensual, but usually more noisy and only work if you drape gold chains on them.

So, I knew Eric would pretend to be disgusted – and he did.
And I knew he would take that sheep back and fuck it to death, so I gave him the above advice, and then the sheep disappeared.

One day, several months later, I was cleaning the house and ventured into his room in search of dishes and soda cans. I peeked under his futon and – lo and behold – there was the Sheep, sad and deflated.

Wanting to rekindle the joke, I pulled at the inflation device and began to blow it up.

To my surprise, wind blew out the butthole of the sheep like a low sigh.

I dropped the sheep for a moment and stared in disbelief. Then, I picked it up and ran to Eric.

“You fucked it to death!” I yelled.

Eric, who was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner, was more than a little puzzled.

“The sheep! You killed it with your penis!” I accused.
“What?” my other roommate asked.
Composing myself, I explained, “I was cleaning up in Eric’s room and I found the sheep. I went to blow it up and air started blowing out the…vagina. Look!” I pointed at them with the gaping hole in the rear of the sheep, “There’s supposed to be a sheath there, where the penis goes. The sheath has been ripped out from the inside, which means you fucked the sheep so hard that you tore off its little inner fuck sock and now it’s just a popped balloon!”
“It wasn’t me!” Eric insisted, wide-eyed.

What you have to understand about my house is that people came over all the time to hang out with us, watch movies and play video games. There were literally anywhere between five and fifty unique bodies inside those walls every week…which meant that it wasn’t inconceivable that someone had entered Eric’s room and, presumably with his permission, raped his sheep to death.

“You let someone fuck your sheep?” I asked.
Eric said nothing.
“On the futon?” I asked, suddenly glad I’d given him that futon with no expectations of a return.

This evolved into a multi-month rape mystery as we investigated, like a pornographic game of Bestiality Clue, who had raped the sheep to death.

We never did solve what will be one of the great unsolved mysteries of my life, along with “who stole my severed foot.”

But that’s another story.

OhMiBod

Jan. 21st, 2012 04:55 pm
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Now, don’t get me wrong – I love cock just as much as the next ravenous nymphomaniac, but the above product has the potential to incite a series of hilarious flashbacks. Do you remember when we were teenagers and men had sex “theme music?”

Picture it, remember it: You’re (13-16), and your snowflake-white boyfriend plays an entire Enigma CD – including the dolphin caterwauling – while moisturizing an imaginary tramp stamp with an ever-so-erotic Lubriderm massage…on top of your perfume, body oil, and body powder.

Fifteen minutes of zipper-grinding, pelvis-crushing dry-humping later, and following a few blind jabs to the taint, you get it.

You finally get it. It’s Christmas morning and Santa’s real and there’s your big present up in your tree.

…Pumping to the rhythm of one of these top hits from the 1990′s!

- Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
- Backstreet Boys – “I Want It That Way”
- Madonna – “Vogue”
- Sir Mix-A-Lot – “Baby Got Back”
- Britney Spears – “…Baby One More Time”
- Alanis Morissette – “You Oughta Know”
- Dr. Dre (featuring Snoop Doggy Dogg) – “Nuthin’ but a “G” Thang”
- Mariah Carey – “Vision of Love”
- Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Under the Bridge”
- MC Hammer – “U Can’t Touch This”
- Destiny’s Child – “Say My Name”
- Metallica – “Enter Sandman”
- Beastie Boys – “Sabotage”
- House of Pain – “Jump Around”
- Soundgarden – “Black Hole Sun”
- Ricky Martin – “Livin’ la Vida Loca”
- Vanilla Ice – “Ice Ice Baby”
- Radiohead – “Creep”
- Oasis – “Wonderwall”
- C+C Music Factory – “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)”
- Color Me Badd – “I Wanna Sex You Up”
- Spin Doctors – “Two Princes”
- Fiona Apple – “Criminal”
- L.L. Cool J – “Mama Said Knock You Out”
- Sophie B. Hawkins – “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover”
- Digital Underground – “The Humpty Dance”
- Will Smith – “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”
- Korn – “Freak on a Leash”
- Marcy Playground – “Sex and Candy”
- Kris Kross – “Jump”
- Lenny Kravitz – “Are You Gonna Go My Way”
- Meredith Brooks – “Bitch”
- Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy”
- Cypress Hill – “Insane In The Brain”
- EMF – “Unbelievable”
- Gerardo – “Rico Suave”
- Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – “Good Vibrations”

I’m not going to tell you which of those songs plagued my youth, but 1993 was not a good year for music.

BUT IN CASE YOU FORGOT…

It’s the OhMiBod to the rescue! It’ll vibrate to anything in your iPhone or iPad. So, order one now and, this Saturday night, sit on the floor, light some candles, pop in The Crow, break open the Mountain Dew, and get ready for a wild, 3-minute ride down memory lane!

*Your experience may vary.*

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. Please leave any comments there.

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In a crafted publicity stunt, Canadian game developer Bioware “declared war” against American game developer Blizzard, claiming that the new Bioware MMO, “Star Wars: The Old Republic,” would topple Blizzard’s industry-dominating juggernaut, “World of Warcraft.”

Despite the fact that Blizzard is an over-the-hill runway model living in denial of reports of declining interest, they will not be wrenched from their throne by Bioware (“…the Booty Call When Bethesda’s On The Rag”). Nobody from the old school of MMORPG development (Sony/Everquest, Runescape) can offer a comparative experience and nothing new (Sony/DC Universe, Bioware) can match their content volume and formulated player-character development.

In ways, Bioware makes a valiant effort – there are a lot of positive things to say about SWTOR:
- The voice acting is superb and culled from a geek’s wet dream. For example, the male bounty hunter player character is voiced by Steve Blum, voice of anime bounty hunter Spike Spiegel of Cowboy Bebop. The male Jedi Knight is David Hayter, familiar as Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series.
- The game rewards are epic; from early levels, you will travel in a vehicle roughly the size of your first real-life apartment. Your cloak and your dagger are gleaned from legendary sources (and don’t need “legendary” in the title).
- The map and transportation systems are the best I’ve ever seen in a video game. You will never feel that you are tediously wandering and will rarely have to wait for a cool-down if you want to quick-travel home.
- The money system is balanced. In the beginning of the game, you receive money hand over fist. As you advance in level, you are expected to prioritize your spending.
- The storytelling is rife with canon. Often, in games with good stories, the stories stand alone and “hint” at the source material, slowly leaking references like Easter Eggs. Most quests in this game relive pre-existing storylines and solve long-standing riddles.
- Space combat is great fun, highly rewarding, and reminiscent of StarFox. You can advance several levels in the game just by performing the daily space missions.
- The characters are well-rounded in their performance abilities and an assortment of companions (pets) allows you to craft a party suited to your gaming style. From the early points in the game, you can customize your weapons and armor. Companions have varied abilities, allowing you to favor a defensive class, a damage class, or a healing class.
- The game is beautiful. The worlds are sprawling, unique, and filled to capacity with things to see and do. There is very little of the “copy-pasted dirt” that we’ve seen in other MMOs. If you need to kill something, it’s right behind you, and then, you’ll move on to a new town. It never gets boring.

My favorite element is that the quests are extraordinarily well-written:
Immediately after starting a campaign (Republic and Empire alike), I wanted to fight for my causes. Whether I wanted to avenge a highly likable character, or whether I wanted to hunt down the bastard who wronged me, I felt driven with actual purpose to continue the game. It wasn’t about levels or gear; I wanted the levels and gear for the story.

The drama is more intense than a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, and it never lets up. I’ve dabbled in all eight classes, and every class makes you feel like revenge, redemption, or fortune is just around the corner. Also, though the main stories are compelling, the side-quests are equally interesting. You’ll discover that an officer’s wife is treasonous and decide their fate. You’ll hunt down two Jedis who fled the Academy to realize their love. You’ll interact with a score of wholly believable characters fighting, for good or evil, with great conviction. The player is always made to feel like a critical component in an epic tale.

That said, the game is not without epic flaws:
- There is no high resolution. The best you’ll get is “medium,” a sort of mid-grade Morrowind-esque look. Your armor doesn’t move well and you are frequently impaled on your sword. The world backdrops look great, though.
- Bugs. I’ve never seen bugs like this game has bugs. You can crawl through an entire dungeon, only to discover the boss is “missing.” You can fall through the floor, or be ejected into space. “Dancing” renders you invincible. Quests simply “don’t work,” which is to say your quest objective doesn’t exist, or characters refuse to accept turn-ins. When that quest is your “class quest line,” and a bug prevents you from advancing in the game, it can be very frustrating. And if you start the game and can’t move, you’ll have to “turn off shadows” in the preferences menu.
- No party roles. There is no such thing as a classic class. You can’t be a tank, because tanks can’t “taunt,” and therefore cannot hold the attention of enemies and prevent them from crushing other characters. You can’t be a healer, because no class in the game can heal well enough, fast enough, to keep multiple players alive. You can’t be a damage class, because most “damage classes” wear light armor, and you will be punched in the cloth until you die. Everybody is a jack of all trades, and master of none.
- Kill-and-fetch. It is absolutely necessary to complete almost every quest in the game. If you focus solely on your class quests, you will quickly find yourself outmanned. As much as you would like to follow the Sith or Jedi path, you will have to go out and kill (10) (Octopi) or you will be mercilessly smited.
- Your quest-givers are given to whimsy. At level 31, you may not be offered a level 32 quest, but you may be offered a level 40 quest. Also, although the automatic “quest tracker” is nice, there is no indicator as to the level of difficulty. You find out when you get there and the enemy drops a building on you.
- Space Combat. Trying to discern a turret from a generator as it flies by in the distance in sub-par graphics is just impossible.
- Speeches. You could make a sandwich in the time it takes to hear the story of a sidequest. Then, the quest-giver will send you to meet his wife, Olga, who will tell you the recipe to the bread she was baking when you interrupted her work. The dog will bark and she’ll have to start all over again. The entire Advent Children film didn’t have as much dialogue as you’ll hear in your first level of play. But skipping text is like playing Russian Roulette, because NPCs are notorious for spazzing out and shooting you in the face – usually during quest turn-ins.
- Humans and more Humans. There aren’t “race options” as much as there are “costume options.” Humans with red skin, humans with horns, humans with masks.

But my biggest complaint is the Companion mechanic: They are ill-matched, grossly frustrating, and the romances are a blasphemy against humanity.

My suspicion that George Lucas is a virgin (as he adopted all three of his children) have been all but confirmed by this video game.
Good game dialogue can be identified by a simple test: If you remove the game elements from conversation, you could imagine people having this conversation in real life. Bioware is hilariously bad at this, but Lucas gives us the impression that his social experiences have been limited to sock puppetry.

Other than to frustrate the audience with what The Undersexed And Maladjusted view as a realistic relationship dynamic, I can’t fathom why the designers paired each character with a hostile and incompatible figure, then assigned said figure the directive to bitch and whine for the entire goddamned game. “I hate this.” “I hate you.” “Can I get some ice cream?” “My feet are tired.” “All my friends at school will make fun of me if I’m friends with a Sith.”
I can’t stand them, and there is no escape. Like the 35-year-old child living with his parents (the apparent demographic), they hate them but need them to survive. If you don’t defy your chosen nature, your companions’ performance will suffer (and they will essentially steal money from you and sabotage your creative efforts). The game compels you to be Darth Fauntleroy or Jedi Master Lucifer. Even then, there is limited success. And they won’t shut up.

The first companion of the Sith Warrior is Vette.
Like Yvette, but forget about the “why.”

Lucas, who also thought you would wet yourself with delight over Gungans, thinks you want to fuck Twi’leks.
Not the Zeltron, the pink-skinned giant-breasted humans that sweat ecstasy…

No, not you, you kinky freak.
Lucas knows what you want – You want the flat-chested thing with dicks growing out of its head.

I would say that, since Vette wears a shock collar, you could just shock the shit out of her and rape her to death, but nine years ago, we discovered that attaching electrodes to the body of the person you are penetrating is like sticking your dick in a warming toaster and jumping into the bathtub.

Vette hates everything dark and mean, so pairing her with the Sith Warrior leaves you with a dynamic of Anne Frank and Adolf Hitler on a picnic. It’s fun for an hour, but the novelty wears off quick…especially when Adolf relies on Anne to heal him in battle and she decides she’d rather watch him die.

I was delighted when I obtained my next companion, Malavai Quinn. A cardboard evil General, his personality coincides with the murder and mayhem I want to spread.
I apologize if I’m about to spoil something for you, but I’d want to know before I invested a great deal of time, energy, and money into him. You get him at Level 20. At Level 45, you learn his friendship was a ruse and he attempts to kill you.
I was so angry when I discovered this that I stopped playing the game for a week.
I’m reading on the forums that this should be expected, because we are “dark side.” We should expect manipulation and betrayal from our people.
While plausible, this idea makes me feel like I’m not the target audience for this game, because I don’t want to get screwed by the people I train and clothe. I don’t like feeling I’ve been robbed, and telling me it’s a plot mechanic coinciding with the choice I made smells of “you got raped because of the clothes you wore.” It’s an after-the-fact transfer of blame when a bad call was brought to light, not a reasonable explanation.

I don’t expect that you’ll play Jedi, because the servers lean heavily toward the Empire, but the light side is no better. My Smuggler’s companion wants to watch the world burn and would be perfectly matched with my Sith Warrior. He is particularly ill-suited for the Smuggler, who are capable of massive AOE damage, because his first attack is a rope mechanism that jerks the enemy to his location…and out of my blast radius.
Seconds later, when he whines for assistance, it’s tempting to let the fool die.

There are several kinds of players who would enjoy this game:
- Obviously, Star Wars fans. If you enjoyed playing Knights of the Old Republic, you’ll probably enjoy this game.
- If you enjoyed “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, you’ll probably like this game. The writing style is similar.
- If you enjoyed older, more complex MMOs, like the younger incarnation of Everquest, you’ll like the updated, but similar, feel of this game.
- If you enjoy console RPGs, particularly the 120-hour J-pop variety, you will probably enjoy this game.
- Bioware fans looking to exploring MMORPG gaming.
- Lonely people. The game pedestals you as the most amazing person in the world.

There are several kinds of players who will hate this game:
- WoW players. While it was a cheap ploy to antagonize a warlike demographic and pit it against their own cult, that’s not why Warcraft players won’t like this game. Warcraft is streamlined and specialized; this game is clumsy in its class development and vague in its execution.
- Alpha players. This game is going to break on you on an hourly basis, and no amount of power, technology, or money will change that.
- Power Raiders. Between the broken dungeons, the lack of dungeon classes, and the absence of raiders refusing to play the game for those two reasons, this game may frustrate you.
- Players who prefer achievement over story. In this game, the former is more a consequence of the latter.
- Powerlevelers and Twinks. Due to the organic style of development, rushing your character will leave you a weak shell with a senseless junkpile of uncoordinated abilities.

Overall, it’s a good game. It’s a new and different contribution to a genre polluted with countless imitations. It’s a fun story experience and worth a test. It’s ground-breaking in the MMORPG environment, but not ground-breaking for a Bioware game, meaning that familiar Bioware mechanics have merely been translated to a new format. If Bioware would patch the game-breaking bugs, the game would be much more enjoyable. I enjoy playing it; it’s not my favorite MMORPG, but it’s far from my least favorite.

I would give it a 7/10.
It would be a 9/10 if they repaired the bugs and amended the companions.

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. Please leave any comments there.

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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

While playing Grand Theft Auto 4, Anthony stole what appears to be a Chevrolet Avalanche. Immediately after he sat down in the driver’s seat, the car radio started playing “Goodbye Horses.”

This may always be my favorite homage:

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