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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

…YOU CANNOT MAKE A SEQUEL TO 300, HOLLYWOOD.
This is not a story conceived by some local hipster douche. This is another culture’s legend and it deserves respect. There is a shrine, in Greece. The man’s memory is the mantra of the Greek army. This is like China making a movie of our Revolutionary War and then coming out with a sequel where George Washington razzes some naked teenage zombies.

And what the hell is this? THIS is your star? This BOY is going to carry the torch of the great King Leonidas? THIS is Sparta?

P.S. Xerxes was a Persian god-king. Stop casting him as progressively whiter and less famous people. Xerxes was a big deal to a lot of people who don’t want to see him prancing around as a sloppy snowflake with no career experience.

Wasn’t Abercrombie-and-Fitching Jesus Christ enough of an offense to the people of the Middle East? Must we go Australian?

Bound

Feb. 19th, 2012 06:01 am
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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

Introducing Anthony to Bound. “It’s a noir film by the Wachowski brother…and sister…starring the voice of Chucky’s wife, ‘Old Titties’ from Showgirls, and that dick from The Matrix. And there’s fisting!”

I’ve always loved the Wachowski Bros. commentary track on Bound; they rip Jennifer Tilly the whole time. “I told her to act surprised. Would you look at her? And the GAPING MOUTH again. She can’t act and keep her mouth closed at the same time.” Been saying that for YEARS. So, thank you, America, for notifying me that the Wachowski Bros. no longer exist – it is now Wachowski Bro and Ho.

Larry Wachowski is now Lana Wachowski.

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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

There’s a new series coming out, reuniting the director (Shinichiro Watanabe) and composer (Yoko Kanno). It’s called Sakamichi no Apollon.

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That’s Megumi Okina. She’s pretty, isn’t she?
Do you recognize her? I wouldn’t expect that you would, unless you followed her career.
Here, I’ll post a more recognizable photo:

There. Now you recognize her face. Now look back at the first photo and try to see her as anything but a murderous demon with a soul stitched from orphans’ entrails in the bowels of Hell.
Yeah, I can’t, either.
And that is awesome. I want to tear out her heart and eat it so I can assume her power.

I collect certain film series, such as Tartan Asian Extreme, Seduction Cinema, and Troma.
Individual Tromas are hard to find. You’ll usually see them as part of an 8-movie set sold for $1.99. But they’ve got titles like “Tales From The Crapper,” featuring Julie Strain, Ron Jeremy, Trey Parker, Eli Roth, Wes Craven, Kevin Eastman, Jorge Garcia, and a number of other industry favorites.

I love them because USA Up All Night will always have a place in my heart.

Gilbert Godfrey’s in there somewhere, I swear.

And if Rhonda Shear still needed to don spandex and pleather to support her imaginary career in stand-up comedy, Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned would have been on that show.

Because you can’t give Troma films away, they’re usually boxed with other movies. “Shutter” was also in that ridiculously inexpensive collection.
Some of you may have played Fatal Frame, which has a legacy as one of the most frightening horror games of all time:

There have been whispers of a movie in the works for nearly a decade and horror gamers everywhere have been waiting with bated breath.
In the meantime, Shutter was considered a tribute, an homage, a “film inspired by” the game.
Here it is, in its entirety, for your viewing pleasure:

The American remake of Shutter was significantly less successful than the original, but unlike the original, it starred Megumi Okina.
That, alone, makes it worth the watch.

I swear to god, that woman can carry an entire plot on her slumped, uneven shoulders. She has terror down to an art and I am stricken with awe at the sight of her. Although she continually retires from the film industry, I hope she never fully commits to that promise. The horror industry needs her, almost as much as it needs Daveigh Chase.

Or, as you know her, Samara.

The longer I stare at that photo, the more it feels like she’s going to start moving.

I used to be afraid that the horror industry was dying (like when Spooky and I dressed up as camp counselors for the premiere of Jason in Space), but the Asian film community is in bed with horror in a way that the American film industry may never embrace. There are no “jumps” or “shocks,” just a cold, seething terror that washes over you, quickly and yet seemingly in slow-motion, like darkness in a power failure.

Someday soon I’ll write reviews for my entire collection of Tartan Asian films, but I would recommend that you watch them all – I have never been disappointed, and have – more than once – been frozen to the couch.

Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. Please leave any comments there.

We old.

Jan. 6th, 2012 07:52 pm
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Originally published at The Pandemonium Project. You can comment here or there.

Went out for cat food at midnight because…hey, would YOU say “no” to this?

Picked up Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties for the kid.
I’ve never seen it, because Lorenzo Music is one of my favorite voice actors of all time. Bill Murray harmed his career and is now performing his signature character (Garfield).
To me, Lorenzo will always be Ralph, the All-Purpose Animal.
Bill Murray will always be that voodoo doll I keep at the bottom of my cat’s litter box.

So they had a sale on Hellraiser movies (6 for $5). I like to think I have the entire collection, but I’m not sure. The films are so similar that they blend together in one painful streak. But, it was Hellraiser or Evil Bong.

…I may have to go back to the store.

They carded me, on the movie purchase – you must be 18 or older to buy it.

As of 2012, you would be 18 if you were born in 1994.
I was in high school in 1994. You?

I stumbled over this topical image today.

You know what makes me feel old? That people younger than I am are complaining that they feel old. :)

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