phetish: (Bitch Please)
[personal profile] phetish
Which is the better analogy: Have I been released from prison or broken out of the shipping container?

Good lord, there is shit everywhere. I write this parked on a seven-foot industrial-foam sex bench. Six-and-a-half feet of this fuck slab is buried in the snowstorm of a confused life; files, projects, and crap with no home.

"Sex bench." It's a foam block covered in vinyl. Someone picked their daughter up from gymnastics, saw the big blocks, and said, "Heeeeeeey..."
Now, it's $300. If I had a dollar for every household or industrial item repurposed, repackaged, and resold as a "high end adult novelty," I could retire. But I digress.

Today, I am discovering that Zombie Sam feels she needs a lifetime supply of bagged hotel coffee packs for the imminent uprising.
Seriously, I could make a coffee table book where I pin them like butterflies.
"Now grinds through the coffee pot, these are the souvenirs of my one-night stands."

My electronic filing system looks like a hostel in Amsterdam. Boobs, errant children, pictures of wine, piles of disorganized (but awesome) crap. Files have exploded in size while technology has plummeted in price. Photographs are five times the size and videos are commonplace. Personal Media took over my computer like urban sprawl, and I'm wondering if I can upload it all to Google and Youtube like Earth sending the humans to Mars.

But I need a secretary to organize my files and I just don't feel right doing that to another living being.

"I don't recognize these video files."
"Oh god, I hope they aren't porn."
"Maybe I can play them discreetly while wearing headphones and quickly minimize them before anybody sees them."
*plays*
"It's...a video of me singing and dancing to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse's 'Hot Dog Dance.'"
"...This would have been less embarrassing if it were porn."
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