Jul. 22nd, 2013

phetish: (In The Rain)
I miss writing.
It adds meaning and purpose to a life which could otherwise be stylized as a comedianne in purgatory.

This is the week of my semi-annual Fast Blast.
I swear, the fact that I have to keep myself busy to avoid the Demon Noms has nothing to do with my rekindled love of writing.

I'm doing my own variation of the Sacred Heart diet.
Have you heard of it? I hadn't heard of it until I typed "lose" into Google and it predicted my search phrase as "lose 40 pounds in a week."
Wow, that sounds amazing, doesn't it?
Far be it from me to keep such magic from you:

Magic Sacred Heart Hoax Soup Miracle Lose 40 Pounds In A Week Diet

The soup is a lie. It's been denounced as a hoax by Sacred Heart.
First, it's hilarious to see what you can make people do if you post a weight loss miracle on the internet and claim that a hospital endorses it.
Secondly, a diet like this requires a certain fanaticism and telling a fanatic that something is a hoax does nothing to deter them. You're still curious, and you don't care that it was denounced or by whom.

The Stewage (The Great Big Magic Sacred Heart Lie)
2 Big-Ass Cans of Tomato. Don't be a fatass like me and use spaghetti sauce - it only makes a bad thing worse.
Green Onions so you can weep over what you are about to do.
Beef bullion so you can torment yourself with the flavor of real food.
"Dry package of chicken noodle soup mix." You might as well hunt for unicorn horn. Campbell's "Hasn't-Changed-Since-1950" Chicken Noodle works fine, too.
Celery. It works better if you chop it, unless you're drinking this out of a fishbowl. Don't try to break celery. Celery hates being associated with spaghetti and will rip into a tentacled Urotsukidelery mass in your hands. Trust me.
"Beans." What kind? Magic beans. Jumping beans. Any kind of beans, as long as it says "beans" on the can. How many? As many as you can stand. There's protein in them there plant poops. If failed "meat hunters" had a "consolation prize," it would be beans.
Shitload o' Carrots - so your eyesight can be at its best when you stare into this soupy abyss.
1 Pepper. It doesn't matter what color. Your tastebuds will be burned off long before you get to it.
A bucket of mushrooms. You might as well make them the most interesting mushrooms you can find. If our twenties taught us anything, it was that nothing accompanies culinary abominations like illegal street drugs.
"Vegetable cocktail" - I have no idea what the fuck that means. I'm assuming vegetables, like fruit, are saturated in peach juice and canned. Ew.
A head of cabbage. Every "love your outside more than your insides" diet involves this heinous shit. It is the "...and tongue of bat" of the culinary path of witchcraft.

Boil that shit like my Hungarian ancestors did until it looks like raw Mexican sewage. Now, get a spoon! You can eat as much of the Stewage as you can stand, under the absurd pretense that you are "cleansing your body," when the author REALLY knows that you will get sick of it before you consume enough calories to sustain your own body. The key to weight loss is "consuming fewer calories," and the key to consuming fewer calories is unappetizing food.

Seriously, this shit is disgusting. At this point in the exercise, you should realize that no health-promoting organization would endorse this and somebody on the internet is fucking with you. Anyway. Onward!

Day 1: Eat Insubstantial Fruit (No Bananas) and Stewage.
You can drink beverages with zero calories - which means you take your coffee black just like your metal.

Day 2: Eat Insubstantial Vegetables (No Potatoes) and Stewage.
Oh wait, I misread that - you can have one measly potato for dinner. The Irish drop dead right about now.

Day 3: Eat Insubstantial Fruit (No Bananas), Insubstantial Vegetables (No Potatoes) and Stewage.
This is the worst day, when your body goes into full blown "oh my god, the king has gone mad, we're all going to die!" mode and you start salivating over housepets. The diet recommends that you drink plenty of water to sate your hunger. Because that works. They also recommend clearing your schedule and avoiding anyone you might find the slightest bit aggravating, because WHO KNOWS what you could do in the throes of starvation-induced temporary insanity.
Seriously. The diet actually recommends that you avoid human interaction because you will not be recognizable. That sound is your Darwin alarm going off.

Day 4: If you are still alive, eat 3 bananas and chug as much milk as you can.
Also, don't forget to eat your Stewage.
If you have been following the diet, then you are scaring your loved ones and they have come over your house to save you. This is the part where you convert them by telling them that they can lose 20 pounds in 7 days, and they join you, making more of that fucking goddamn stewage.
See, it's a scheme. They're now on Day 1, and by the time they get to Day 4, they will be "almost-dead," and their loved ones will attempt to rescue them, get sucked into this nefarious spiral by false promises of quick and easy weight loss, make more of that FUCKING STEWAGE, and then those people will be on Day 1...
Humans have invented DIET PYRAMID SCHEMES. It is the End of Days.

Day 5: Eat a steak. Chug more Stewage.
I'd suggest that you throw some Hallah bread in there for shits and giggles but these are the actual diet instructions.
On Day 5, you should be sufficiently delirious that the Stewage begins to communicate with you.

Day 6: Eat as much beef as you can fit into your abdominal cavity with another side of "Jesus Christ It's Rotting I Bet That's What It Looks Like Inside Me" Stewage.
This is the part where you throw up what looks like bananas.

Day 7: Boil some rice. Eat all the remaining Stewage or you'll be 500 pounds for the rest of your life.
Rice. Nature's "We're sorry you were violated" comfort food.

According to the diet, "You may have lost more than ten pounds. Resume a regular, healthy diet for at least a few weeks before trying the Sacred Heart Diet again."

I honestly don't know how people go through with these absurd fad diets.
I'd rather not eat anything than suck up that mess up there.
...and that's been my day.
Black coffee, wishful thinking, and spreading seeds of diet chaos.


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